


Viva Las Vegas

by Tammaiya



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Challenge fic, Crack, Las Vegas Wedding, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-12
Updated: 2004-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7828711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammaiya/pseuds/Tammaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Subaru wakes up in America chained to a donkey, and it's all Seishirou's fault. (Well, and a little bit Fuuma and Kamui's, too, but mostly Seishirou.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Viva Las Vegas

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://seixsub.livejournal.com/47486.html) seixsub community challenge. Don't say you weren't warned.

Subaru woke up.  
  
He was handcuffed to a donkey.  
  
He was handcuffed to a donkey, in the middle of nowhere, and it had to be Seishirou's fault. And maybe Kamui's too, to be fair, but mostly Seishirou's.  
  
"... Seishirou-san?"  
  
Sakurazuka Seishirou smirked in the way that made it obvious everything was exactly the way he wanted it. "Yes, Subaru-kun?"  
  
"Explain. _Now_."  
  
"We're talking about it," Seishirou said mildly. "I thought that's what you wanted."  
  
Well, he could think of other things he'd rather be doing from the 'impossible' list, but Seishirou didn't need to know that. "But... I'm handcuffed to a donkey."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Why?" Subaru demanded.  
  
"Well, this way you can't change your mind and try to kill me," Seishirou answered reasonably.  
  
"But why a _donkey_?"  
  
Seishirou shrugged, smirk growing wider. "Crazy Texans with guns," he explained, though Subaru was struggling to see precisely how this explained anything at all. He thought about it, and decided that maybe he didn't actually want to know. Texans?  
  
Meanwhile, though, he was still handcuffed to the damn donkey, and the wretched thing was beginning to get agitated. It was quite a smelly beast, too, and Subaru had the unpleasant feeling that it may try to run off with him just to be spiteful. "Seishirou-san, at least let me off the donkey. _Please_."  
  
"I don't know about that, Subaru-kun. How am I to know that you won't attack me as soon as you're free?"  
  
"Seishirou-san…" Subaru growled, a hint of warning in his voice.  
  
"You were much more trustworthy when you were younger, you know. I wouldn't have had to tie you to a donkey then."  
  
Subaru sighed, swallowing his pride and attempting to look harmless and miserable. It wasn't very hard. "Please? I don't think the donkey likes me."  
  
Seishirou laughed. "Don't be silly. Why wouldn't the donkey like you? You're a likeable person."  
  
"Well, I don't like the donkey, then!" Subaru huffed, wondering if a dredging up the kicked-puppy expression of his youth would be any use.  
  
"That's not very nice, Subaru-kun," Seishirou chided mockingly, tipping his sunglasses down. "You're hurting the donkey's feelings."  
"I really don't care," Subaru snapped, pulling against the cuffs fruitlessly. "You can't keep me chained to a donkey forever!"  
  
He did _not_ like the speculative look that suddenly dawned on Seishirou's face.  
  
"Maybe," Seishirou said noncommittally. "Either way, though, I could certainly keep you there for quite some time."  
  
Subaru looked distinctly pained at that. "There has to be something that will persuade you to un-cuff me," he pleaded.  
  
"Well, when you put it like that…" Seishirou grinned evilly, and Subaru was suddenly afraid of what he was going to ask for.   
  
"Yes?" he asked warily.  
  
"Recite the peach tongue twister."  
  
"What?" Subaru exclaimed, utterly taken aback. "Are you serious?"  
  
"Of course," Seishirou said, incongruously innocent.  
  
"You're insane," Subaru muttered. Whatever he had been expecting (sexual favours, perhaps), that was _not_ it. Still…  
  
Feeling distinctly silly, he took a deep breath and tried not to look in Seishirou's direction, certain that one look at the assassin laughing at him would make him stumble over the words. "… sumomo mo momo mo momo no uchi, Seishirou-san," he mumbled, embarrassed.  
  
"I didn't hear the beginning of that."  
  
Subaru glared, seeing the clear sadistic glee Seishirou was getting out of this, and cleared his throat. "Sumomo mo momo, momo mo momo, sumomo mo momo mo momo no uchi," he said, much louder.  
  
Seishirou chuckled. "There, was that so hard?"  
  
Subaru gritted his teeth. "You said you'd release me."  
  
"I would never break a promise to you, Subaru-kun," Seishirou answered sweetly. Ignoring the younger man's flinch as he reached over to unlock the cuffs, whether at his words or his proximity, he sniggered quietly when the Sumeragi fell with a bump to the dusty ground.  
  
Subaru sat up with a dirty look, rubbing his wrists and aching in all sorts of places. "Are you going to tell me what's going on now?"  
  
"Well, we're in Texas," Seishirou said helpfully.  
  
Right, they were in- "WHAT?"  
  
"And we're going to Las Vegas," Seishirou continued, unperturbed by the outburst.  
  
"We're in _America_?" Subaru squawked, eyes widening. "What… why… _how_?"  
  
Seishirou raised an eyebrow that spoke volumes, most of which were insulting. "How do you think?"  
  
"By plane?" Subaru said weakly, still trying to come to grips with the fact that he was outside of Japan for the first time in his entire life.  
  
"By _Kamui_ ," Seishirou corrected. "Very useful people to have around." He paused. "I believe the desert was Monou's idea of a joke," he added.  
  
Great. Fantastic. This was looking better and better; he was stuck in the middle of an American desert with Seishirou and a donkey. A bloody _donkey_.  
  
Mediation, Kamui had said. It's a good idea, he'd said. Why don't you and the Sakurazukamori talk it over? Evil and the Promised Day had been postponed because both the _Kamuis_ had too much schoolwork-- Kamui was rather disgusted, as he'd been counting on the Apocalypse to get him out of final exams, but Fuuma was considering calling the whole thing off now. Possibly the research essay on protecting the environment had made him reconsider his attitude towards the Earth; he'd certainly used a lot more paper than was strictly necessary. It was the perfect opportunity for Subaru and Seishirou to have a rational conversation!  
  
Subaru was going to throttle Kamui if he ever got back to Japan.  
  
"How are we supposed to get to Las Vagas when we're in a desert with nothing but a donkey?" he said eventually.  
  
"We're not in the middle of a desert. We're on the edge of a desert. There was a town about a mile back, and according to the locals there should be another one nearby with a car hire."  
  
Subaru narrowed his eyes. "Seishirou-san, if we went through a town, why are we in a desert now?" With nothing but a donkey, he didn't add, but the unspoken words were obviously implied.  
  
"Crazy Texans with guns," Seishirou repeated serenely, and this time Subaru knew for sure that he didn't want to know.  
  
"Alright," Subaru muttered. "Fine. Whatever. Do we have to take the donkey?"  
  
"Would you like to leave it here?"  
  
The donkey gave Subaru a pitiful look, and he was uncomfortably aware that it would starve to death if abandoned here. "… No."  
  
"Then you have to take the donkey," Seishirou said cheerfully, and walked off leaving Subaru and the donkey to follow.  
  
"I hate my life," Subaru informed the donkey, and quickly tried to catch up to the other man, towing the beast behind him.  
  
~  
  
Once they reached the Texan town, Subaru had been very relieved to hand the donkey into the care of people who looked like they'd appreciate it much more than he did, and Seishirou had hired a utility car that reminded his companion uncomfortably of a particular van, though he wasn't quite sure why.  
  
It wasn't until he slid into the passenger's seat and Seishirou had revved up the engine that something very important occurred to Subaru.  
  
"Wait. You never answered my question."  
  
"Which question was that?" Seishirou asked curiously.  
  
"Why are we going to Las Vegas?"  
  
"Didn't I tell you? We're getting married," Seishirou answered casually, shifting gears.  
  
There was a very long silence, during which Seishirou continued driving with a peaceful smirk and Subaru stared out the window. Finally, Subaru turned his head back to Seishirou.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said calmly. "I think I misheard that. Would you please repeat it?"  
  
"We're getting married," Seishirou said obligingly, eyes drifting briefly from the road to glance smugly at the other occupant of the car.  
  
"I'm hearing things," Subaru said, very worried. "It's all the sun. I could have sworn you said we were getting married."  
  
"We are."  
  
"No we aren't," Subaru said firmly. "We are not getting married, because that would be ridiculous. Especially since I don't recall being asked."  
  
"Well, if you're going to be snippy about it… Would you marry me?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Too bad, we're still getting married."  
  
Subaru opened his mouth and shut it again several times, completely lost for words. "You can't do that!" he spluttered. "It has to be mutually consensual!"  
  
Seishirou shrugged. "It's Las Vegas, I'm sure I can find someone to officiate who doesn't care."  
  
"But I don't want to get married!"  
  
Seishirou tried to look wounded. "Why not, Subaru-kun? Wouldn't I make a good husband?"  
  
"You'd make a terrible husband," Subaru told him, mouth quirking despite himself. "You'd get blood stains all over the carpet."  
  
"I'm shocked that you'd accuse me of having such low class," Seishirou sighed sadly. "To think you could say a thing like that. We could have the bathroom next to the genkan, if it would make you feel any better."  
  
"Not particularly." Rolling his eyes, Subaru returned his gaze out the side window. Dirt, cactus, dirt, some sparse tufts of grass, dirt, dirt… He decided he didn't like Texas very much so far. "And you still haven't told me why we're even getting married at all."  
  
Married. What an absurd concept.  
  
"Isn't that what Hokuto-chan wanted?" Seishirou said idly, sun reflecting off his shades so it was impossible to see his eyes behind them.  
  
"Don't bring my sister into this," Subaru hissed, going utterly still.  
  
Seishirou shrugged nonchalantly, and silence reigned for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Of course, domestic disputes are probably less likely to result in death."  
  
Subaru twitched, still staring resolutely out the window. He was not even going to bother _responding_ to that.  
  
"They're more likely to end with an apology, too," Seishirou continued slyly. "And there are much better ways to make up after an argument when one is married, don't you agree, Subaru-kun?"  
  
The tone left no doubt as to what Seishirou was implying, and face burning, Subaru's head whipped around to find Seishirou glancing sideways at him and smirking at his discomfort.  
  
Subaru didn't have an answer for that that didn't involve incoherent stammering, so with an embarrassed groan he let his head sink into his hands, trying valiantly to ignore Seishirou's amused laughter.  
  
He'd changed his mind, he thought wildly. He didn't want the world saved anymore. He hated everyone and everything in it, particularly Seishirou and Kamui and America, and for all he cared everything could go to hell. In fact, if Fuuma wasn't going to destroy humanity anymore, Subaru would do it for him!  
  
He hated the part of him that was now in favour of the marriage possibly even more than he hated Seishirou.  
  
~  
  
The rest of the car trip had passed without comment, Seishirou exuding an air of smugness and Subaru a cloud of doom and sulky reluctance. Subaru was initially overwhelmed by all the neon gaudiness of Las Vegas, but Seishirou seemed to know exactly what he was doing, pulling up to a building just as blindingly flashy as all the ones around it and parking the car.  
  
"Are you going to get out of the car, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou said patiently.  
  
With a start, the dazed onmyouji realised they were there-- wherever 'there' was, beyond 'somewhere in Las Vegas'-- and hurriedly climbed out of the car.  
  
Seishirou apparently had everything organised before their arrival, right down to the Elvis impersonator who was officiating at their wedding, and Subaru would probably have been suspicious if he weren't so bewildered. As it was, though, he spent the entire time staring at the Elvis and didn't hear a word that was said, let alone contemplate precisely how Seishirou had managed to get this set up.  
  
"Do you, Seishirou Sakurazuka, take this man, Subaru Sumeragi, to be your lawfully wedded husband--"  
  
Elvis droned on for quite some time. Subaru had always thought that if one had such a tacky wedding it would at least be more interesting, but no. Why on earth would anyone want a Western wedding?  
  
"I do."  
  
"And do you, Subaru Sumeragi…"  
  
Subaru tuned out to the rather hypnotically boring spiel, jolting back into the present when he realised there was a very expectant pause.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Seishirou clapped a hand over Subaru's mouth, unruffled by the muffled indignant protests. "He does."  
  
The impersonator gave them both very strange looks, but pretended there was nothing out of the ordinary taking place. "I now pronounce you man and…." Lost for words, the officiating Elvis helplessly decided to go with what he knew. "Wife. You may now kiss the bride."  
  
Seishirou removed his hand and Subaru had time to take a deep breath and yell, " _Wife_?" before he was very suddenly being kissed.  
  
He stood there blankly, eyes open and hands balled in Seishirou's shirt, completely frozen. Seishirou pulled away and Subaru blinked slowly, making a faint noise that sounded vaguely like "wfgle".  
  
"That's that, then," Seishirou said brightly. "Why don't we go check into the hotel? I booked us the Honeymoon Suite."  
  
Subaru's only response was a strangled gurgle, so Seishirou led him insistently back into the lobby, collecting their room key before pulling Subaru into the elevator.  
  
Subaru didn't snap out of his shock until they entered the horrendously pink and red room, silk and champagne and heart-shaped cushions filling his vision in a traumatising way. It hit him then that this was actually happening, surreal as it was, and that he was semi-legally married to Seishirou.  
  
"Oh my God!" he moaned. "Kill me!"  
  
"Sorry, no," Seishirou said, smirking suggestively. "Not on the wedding night."  
  
Maybe if he was lucky he would die of terminal blushing before the pain became too terrible. He could always hope. Edging away nervously, he cast a surreptitious look around the room, eyes avoiding the large queen-size bed. Seishirou stepped behind him and pulled him close, chuckling at the way Subaru's body stiffened.  
  
"You ought to relax a little," he purred into Subaru's ear, noticing with satisfaction the small tremble his breath sent through the slighter man. "After all, we're married now, _anata_."  
  
Spurred into anger, Subaru shoved Seishirou away from him and spun around with a nasty glare. " _ANATA_?" he screeched. "Don't you _anata_ me, you bastard!"  
  
Grabbing the nearest heavy object-- which happened to be a surprisingly expensive vase-- Subaru threw it at Seishirou's head, deeply satisfied when it exploded with a loud crash as it hit the wall. Seishirou took his sunglasses off, folding them in his jacket pocket and glancing mildly at the shattered porcelain. The hotel owner would likely be a bit miffed to discover that Subaru had destroyed the three thousand dollar vase, but no matter. He'd probably be perfectly happy to let it slide as long as Seishirou paid the difference, and money was hardly an obstacle.  
  
"Subaru-kun, what are you trying to achieve?" Seishirou inquired politely.  
  
Subaru scowled and stalked past him to the door, intending to leave and slam it behind him with as much force as physically possible, but before he could, Seishirou grabbed his wrist and pulled him close.  
  
"Now, Subaru-kun, don't you think you're being a little unreasonable?" Seishirou said reproachfully. "Hokuto-chan isn't very happy with you."  
  
Stung, Subaru's eyes widened with hurt. "I told you to keep my sister out of this!" he snapped, and had Seishirou not grabbed his other wrist, he probably would have hit him.  
  
"She didn't want to be kept out," Seishirou answered wryly. "And she says that she's been waiting too many years for this to have you ruin it by being melodramatic."  
  
Subaru was about to scream at him when Seishirou's words sank in. "What do you mean, _says_?"  
  
"Didn't I tell you?" Seishirou responded, feigning surprise. "Hokuto-chan communicates with me through the Tree. She's been very vocal for the last nine years; it's actually quite irritating." He stopped abruptly and winced. "Yes, of course. I apologise, Hokuto-chan."  
  
"You hear dead people," Subaru said slowly, expression absolutely classic.  
  
"No, just your sister."  
  
"I need a drink," Subaru replied fervently. "Give me the damn champagne."  
  
~  
  
Despite the unusual circumstances and the somewhat disruptive beginning, the marriage actually succeeded quite well. A drunk Subaru was much more sensible in some ways, and having argued for a while he acknowledged that he didn't have any good points and put his wedding night to good use. After making sure that Hokuto was going to give them privacy, anyway. He'd let her hang around for one kiss, but that was probably only because he wasn't sober enough to realise that she'd technically been at the wedding.  
  
Seishirou and Subaru enjoyed the rest of their honeymoon, going on a sightseeing tour of the USA, and by the time they returned to Tokyo Subaru was happier and more relaxed than he had been in nearly a decade. Seishirou was even a bit nicer than he was before (at least, he was to Subaru), though thankfully not sappy as Subaru may have been traumatised and needed years of therapy if that had been the case.  
  
As it so happened, Subaru decided not to throttle Kamui and Fuuma did cancel the Apocalypse after he received a C on his essay. Some of the Dragons of Earth were a bit disgruntled about this, but most of them didn't care and one or two were pleased. Nobody was particularly concerned about how Kanoe felt about it, so that was okay.  
  
Seishirou and Subaru did have rather spectacular domestics quite often- mostly provoked by Seishirou and started by Subaru-- but as neither of them actually _killed_ each other or even left any particularly bad wounds, this wasn't really a problem.   
  
And so it was that they all lived happily ever after, especially Subaru, as aside from being married to Seishirou and able to contact his sister via his husband, he also had many opportunities to laugh at Kamui's assessment workload. Seishirou never _did_ get blood on the carpet, and they even had a bathroom next to the genkan.


End file.
